Carbon Credits For the Tender Conscience

Matt Labash at the Daily Caller has an advice column. Here is a humorous excerpt on advising the tender green conscience.

[Warning: What you are about to read, dear reader, is gentle satire, not a serious discussion of a serious issue by a serious person. These days, it is best to be ultra clear about such things; in the Green movement the line between wide-eyed, moralistic seriousness and off-the-wall idiocy is so thin as to be invisible most of the time.]

Last week, I ran over (on separate days) a chipmunk

and a squirrel. Does the fact that I did so while driving a Prius in Eco mode offset the environmental damage done? Thanks. – Jason, Baltimore

That really depends, Mr. Baltimore, or Jason, if I may. First off, we should offer condolences to the families of the deceased chipmunk and squirrel. At least they can take comfort knowing that their loved ones died cleanly and greenly.

Second, if you were driving in Eco mode, you probably know that you were maximizing fuel savings in all driving conditions, that you were modifying your air conditioner’s operation, and that you reduced your fossil-fuel consumption

by anywhere from 10-20 percent. So I don’t have to congratulate you. You’re a Prius driver, meaning you already congratulate yourself.

But not so fast. You neglected to say what became of the squirrel and chipmunk carcasses. Did you just leave them on the road? Or did you gather them up and compost them, or at least dispose of them in a biodegradable trash bag? If you just left them, the vultures probably got them. And if they’re gassy vultures, that means they released harmful methane emissions into the environment after eating your kill. So the next time you hit something, you might think about contacting your Prius dealer to purchase vulture-fart carbon credits. We can’t save all the chipmunks of today. But we can save the environment for the chipmunks of tomorrow.

How many of you think that if you tried to buy vulture-fart carbon credits from your local Toyota dealer, it would sell you some? I think they would be crazy not to; every revenue stream helps in a recession. I know GM would.