Good evening my fellow citizens of Delaware. As you may be aware, certain rumors about me have been mentioned recently in mainstream media outlets over the past two weeks. Troubling accusations about my past have surfaced and I stand before you tonight to say that these accusations concerning my involvement in witchcraft are true and, in fact, what has emerged so far is but the tip of the iceberg.
Many years ago a coven of powerful witches met secretly to swear to take over America and refashion it in the image of our heroes - the 17th century Puritans, Jerry Falwell and Ronald Reagan. This coven has now infiltrated the Republican Party and has seized control. Yes, I am a witch. Of course I am. Did you ever watch the TV show "Bewitched"? Well, you may have noticed that I merely wiggled my nose and made Mike Castle disappear!
I have to pay tribute to what used to be called the "mainstream media" for having the courage, the tenacity and the never-say-die attitude to break this story. While millions of Americans are fixated on side issues like record government deficits, high unemployment, the possibility of a double-dip recession, the tragedy of abortion, the two wars we are fighting and other trivialities - they made sure that the precious TV minutes and column inches were used to zero in on what will determine the future of this country after November 2. And the bloggers - how can we ever thank the liberal bloggers enough for elevating the political discourse in this country!
You know and I know that the number, type and scariness of witches in Washington is or should be the real priority of the average American today. You know that the lamestream media is only right to focus on something I said on a frivolous and mind-numbing TV show twenty years ago because that is the issue we are supposed to care about. Why did I go on that show, you ask? Beats the heck out of me. Looking back, I suppose I was as desperate for attention as the host. But you grow out of that - well, most of us do anyway.
Look folks, as you have probably figured out by now: I'm pulling your leg here. I'm not a witch and you can know that it the truth for one very simple reason: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS WITCHES!
You know that and I know that: but does Perez Hilton know that? Inquiring minds would like to know. Look, you and I know that there is no such thing as a witch, but we also know that in politics there is such a thing as a witch hunt. And you should ask yourself why so many women politicians get called witches. It happened to Hillary, and to Sarah and it happens all the time. And this year, when the Momma Grizzlies of the Republican Party have come to the fore as in no time in the past - assertive conservative women who are concerned about what is happening to their families and to their country - at this time I suggest to you that the idea that a literal witch hunt would become a centerpiece of the election campaign of a candidate for the US Senate makes a certain kind of sense.
The media is scared, liberals are scared, Democrats are scared. They are out of ideas and saddled with an unpopular president and unpopular policies. Facing a major push back from the American people in this election, they are desperate to change the subject from themselves, their policies and the state of the country on their watch.
So expect more negative ads than ever before. Expect more personal attacks on conservative, Republican women. Expect desperation and negativity and fear-mongering. Expect it and do what I do: laugh at it! It just means they are losing!
I have a warning for our opponents: witches are imaginary creatures of your nightmares, but Momma Grizzlies are real and on Nov. 2 you are going to find out how hard they bite!
Thank-you and good night. (wiggles her nose and grins for the camera as she fades out)
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